Every few years, the United States ceases to exist; or at least is no longer the country it “always was” just a few days prior. Tallying up the numerous obituary notices given by both the left and the right over the years, the country has died approximately twenty times in the fifty-odd years between the assassination of JFK and the Citizens United ruling. And now it’s happened again.
I’m sure you’ve heard the news from the TV talking heads of reason and your conservative relatives and co-workers: America is dead. Kaput. Finished. Time to fire all of the workers. Time to guard your firearms. Time to escape this nation of government-suckled welfare cheats gorging on caviar with their monthly $140 SNAP checks, living high on the hog with their expired unemployment benefits in their cush poverty-stricken neighborhoods going on about universal health care, global warming and letting historically low tax rates on the rich expire.
How could this happen? It defies reason that a company-lquidating, offshoring, tax returns hiding, faux conservative, untrustworthy, clean-cut white guy (who really was born in America, thankyouverymuch) who wouldn’t give us any specifics on any of his plans before the election, could somehow lose to a moderate clean-cut corporatist half-white guy who they’ve tried so hard to portray as a left-wing commie extremist who isn’t from around here. But happen it did, as the grotesque caricature of modern-day ‘conservatism’ and its minions got shellacked by their neighbors and fellow citizens. People with the same problems, the same economy, the same sports team affinities, the same tax rates, the same zip codes, the same hopes for their children’s futures. And it’s all a bit much for them to handle right now. It’s even more tragic that the majority doesn’t fully grasp, as the ‘conservative’ minority do, what this really means for our country.
But then again, if you didn’t support the conservative agenda after the past four years of Muslim Kenyan socialist despotic rule, you didn’t deserve to live here anyways and you obviously never really understood what America was all about in the first place. Only the keenly attuned can really fully grasp the irreversible tragedy of the present moment.
Of course, there are several handy but absolutely baseless reasons as to how this happened:
- The liberal media (c’mon, play along) brainwashed the Democratic voters.
- People voted to get “free stuff” (Limbaugh’s Santa theory) instead of jobs.
- Democrats “suppressed the vote” (Rove’s projection fantasy).
- Soros and the Left stole the election (though the Right owns the voting machines).
- Voter fraud! Dem voters stood in those 5 hour lines twice so they could vote again.
- Romney “underperformed Bush’s 2004 results” (well, duh! Bush never got those numbers either; see Fitrakis and Wasserman’s ‘How the GOP stole 2004‘).
- That damn storm Sandy was a liberal plot to rob the Romney/Ryan campaign of all its (fading for two weeks) momentum and force a GOP pol to hug Obama.
- Obama ran the nastiest, most negative campaign ever in American political history!
- The non-Fox networks called the race for Obama too soon, which influenced millions of conservative voters to not go to the (already closed) polls.
- The voter polls oversampled
Democrats IndependentsRepublicans, purposefully lulling GOP voters into prematurely thinking they had this thing sewn up.
- This is part of God’s plan to teach our sinful nation a lesson (although truth be told, He didn’t bring that up last time we spoke).
- Mitt wasn’t conservative enough!
And there are an equal number of dog whistles being blown as to why the 2012 election results truly spell the end of America, despite the sun continuing to orbit and the GOP retaining their hold on the House and the governor seats. They can be boiled down to: differing taxes/deficit philosophies, changing demographics, and the triumph of socialism, free stuff and secularism over patriotism, hard work and free market capitalism. Astute observers will note that the above reasons can be neatly reduced down to just one: America is dead because the majority of its voting citizens disagree with conservative crackpots and their failed ideology. Big time.
We appear to have learned that lesson too late however. Could somebody check for a pulse? Wait, do I detect the sound of breathing?
Because America, bless her charred communist heart, just keeps coming back to life. Time and time again. America died after the Civil War was won by the Union (and to this day, right-wingers hate labor unions and same-sex unions. coincidence?); America died after the New Deal; America died after we failed to jail and stamp out all of the suspected communists in the 1950’s.
America died when rock and roll, the devil’s music, began to infiltrate our radio stations and invaded our living room televisions. America died after the civil rights’, women’s, environmental and anti-war movements made ground and Roe v. Wade passed. America died when a Republican president was forced (by the liberal media, of course) to resign in disgrace simply because of criminal activity. America died when we had Carter in the White House and his solar panels on top of it, while Americans waited in long lines for gas and had hostages taken overseas.
America died when we couldn’t let the Gipper have a third term. America died when Clinton was elected and teh gays wanted to fight for our country alongside the straights even though they, well, always had been anyways. It died again when the relentless GOP attack machine failed to force him from office during his second term. America died when President-elect Gore allowed us to be hit on 911 and then refused to invade Iraq to make them pay for what they, uh, weren’t responsible for. America died when we elected Barrack Obama in 2008.
But America really died, (and this time we mean it!) when we re-elected President Obama, the moderate-tempered, non-progressive corporatist. And the American Right is going to make us pay for destroying their country (again). Just like they have for decades, dating all the way back to when those New England anti-authoritarian progressives threw all of the conservative authoritarians’ tea into the Boston harbor.
One wishes they would just leave the country instead. Seems to me that if they really think the country is dead, they should just pay their respects and move on. Except they can’t; they have absolutely no place to go and no one who would welcome them. Well, maybe Dubai or some island hideaways for the top .001% of the wealthy. But for right-wingers who don’t have millions of dollars stocked away, forget it.
And so here they remain. A thoroughly discredited economic philosophy living in the hearts of a despised minority who walk around like they own the place but proclaim the world they live in to be dead. Again. One could almost feel sorry for them were it not for the fact that their ‘leaders’ (along with the centrists and faux liberals they despise) are herding the whole world off of a cliff.